Not a Perfect Ten

Um, yeah — not me :-D

When Kay Bolden and alto make requests, I comply…so here’s my list of ten things about me you will probably try hard to forget.

1. I’ve had two out of body experiences. They weren’t freakish or anything like something from Dr. Strange; in fact they were relaxing and very pleasant. The first was over 30 years ago, when I was walking down the street one night with my boyfriend at the time. The next thing I knew, I was up above peering down on us. It was a beautiful night, we were just being silly, and we looked so happy. The other time was just a few short weeks ago when I found myself following my physical form, just wandering through the Target (I know, right? Wasted experience!). That second time I immediately thought, “I remember this sensation!” I don’t typically tell people though; I don’t believe in such things, and expect that they won’t believe me.
2. I became a writer because I couldn’t stand chemistry. I was quite good at math and science in high school, so my parents and teachers all thought chemical engineering would be a good fit. After a semester and a half of it, though, I had an epiphany: I wasn’t actually interested! My counselor asked what I’d rather do instead and I hadn’t thought that far, being a stupid and shallow 18-year-old living in the moment. I said, “Hmm…I like writing (which was certainly true), but I want to make a living.” He said, “What about advertising?” — and so a major was born. The truth is, I wasn’t all that interested in advertising either, but I suddenly had a lot more electives so I could take plenty of English and composition classes. If chemistry had had any electives, who knows where I would be now.
3. My five favorite foods haven’t changed in decades. They are: Chocolate (especially dark, especially good when packing some heat), cheese (all of it), shrimp, raspberries, and asparagus. Is it cheating to include Cheetos with cheese? Shhh. And yes, I know that asparagus makes your pee smell bad. I don’t care. Kay, if you’re into chili-chocolate, the best is right there in San Diego with you by a company called Chuao.
4. I hate empathy. Okay, not hate…but the struggle is real. When somebody tells me something sad, it feels as bad as the saddest things that have ever happened to me personally — or maybe worse, because my life has been relatively cush. Though I always feel worse for a victim, I can’t seem to help feeling the pain that drives someone to be a perpetrator, as well. Sometimes, it gets pretty overwhelming, like when there’s a mass shooting, and I’m trying to figure out how to protect myself a bit; so far, nothing has worked. Sometimes I just sit there or lay in a ball, and it’s not very productive.
5. The smartest thing I ever did was to drop everything and take off for a year of wandering around Europe when I was just out of college. There was a whole lot of Scandinavian and Germanic middle-class whiteness in my childhood (did I mention cush?), and although my horizons expanded a fair bit when I was an undergrad, I had no idea about the real diversity of humanity and the depth and breadth of thought. Of course, I’ve barely scratched the surface decades later, but ever since then I’ve at least had some idea of how much I don’t know. And there are cultures, or aspects of cultures, I’d love to explore more deeply but I fear I won’t have nearly enough time.
6. I’ve had two fairy godfathers (nope, no fairy godmothers). I met the first one when I was out driving around looking for a new apartment during grad school, and pulled over to rest. This elderly Italian gentleman walked up to my car window and asked if I I was looking for someplace to live, then told me he knew of the perfect house, gave me the address around the corner and said that the landlord was currently working on it. I asked how big it was and he said he didn’t know, but it was perfect for me. I went to it, the landlord had no idea who I was talking about, but it was the Best. Home. Ever. I never saw the old man again, even though I lived in that house for four years. I met my second fairy godfather when my friend and I ran out of gas on a very rural part of the highway here in NC. This elderly black gentleman in a very beat-up pickup did a U-y from the other direction, pushed a bunch of junk off his seat and told us to hop in. He drove us several miles to some friends’ house to borrow their gas can, took us to the gas station to fill it, then drove us back to our car. I don’t normally recommend getting in cars with strangers, but sometimes you just know.
7. One of my boobs is fake. Okay, it’s made from bits of the rest of me, but it’s not a true boob. Such are the joys of cancer, but hey: I’m alive — priorities, right? Still feels weird, though.
8. The only time I am ever truly at peace is when floating in the water. I think that one is rather self-explanatory? Doesn’t matter if it’s a pool, the ocean, a tub or lake. I just close my eyes, and it’s an amazing thing to be weightless and at one with the universe.
9. I am a Disney-file and I’ve been to Disney World way too many times. Is this just crazily at odds with #8? Yes, I’ve heard the bad side, I know it’s uber hokey, and I’m not that big on musicals or rides. But when they call it “the happiest place on earth,” for me it somehow kind of is. Somehow I can suspend my disbelief there. Some of the appeal, too, is all the memories with my friends and family. I thought I’d grow out of it as I’ve aged, but — I haven’t. My kids — haven’t. And Tinkerbell? She is one feisty-ass bitch; I love her!
10. John Gardner, Virginia Woolf, and Toni Morrison changed my life. Yes, we writers have that kind of power! The first was John, when I was pretty much still a kid, and I couldn’t believe the crazy creativity in “serious” fiction. I met Virginia when I was in college reading Mrs. Dalloway, and even though a lot of readers truly are afraid of her, she just fit inside my head so seamlessly. Toni was the author who was truly transformational, though. I could divide my life into Before Beloved, and After. It should be required reading for every single person there is.
11. Bonus! There’s a purple dragon in my living room, who started out as a pink flamingo. Nah, not gonna explain.

Okay, I guess I’m supposed to tag others now. I know that some of these people have been tagged or written already, but I’m going to go ahead and list my co-editors on Snapshots and Haiku Hub: alto, Dennett, David Montgomery, Jason Stelzner 🌹🍁, Elizabeth Helmich, Crooked Little Flower, and last but certainly not least S Lynn Knight ~ 🇺🇸🏳️‍🌈. Oh, and my dear Ré Harris of course. ❤ Thank you, Kay and alto!